Grief…What a bitch.

I lost an important person in my life due to a drug overdose on January 1st.  Since then, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. 

I learned that under great stress, I leave my body. This is an old trick I first learned when I was three and sexually abused by two people charged with my care. I have a lot of fight in me, and fought back with determination even at that age, but it seems my mind and body have gotten accustomed to pushing me out of the way, when trauma shows up, to protect me. This is nothing new, nor is it unique to my circumstances.

A cherished friend who also has experienced this told me I need to get back in my body and feel everything I need to feel. I agreed but wasn’t 100% certain on how to do that exactly.

So, I’ve been making myself feel and validating my feelings. If I’m angry, I allow myself to be angry and I scream or freak out or run down to the basement to exercise. I don’t hurt others or myself but I move the energy out. To be honest, sometimes it’s a challenge to not hurt myself due to the history I had with self-harm – just like quitting leaving my body in trauma, it has taken great willpower, intention and practice to push the thoughts out and recognize what my higher self wants for me (which is to enjoy life). If I’m sad, I commit to the sadness and cry. I am not a fan of crying and catch myself alternating between sobbing and silence, as if my body has been totally depleted of tears. Music has been therapeutic, pulling out even more sadness hiding incognito beneath the surface. If I’m feeling grateful, I tell others how much I appreciate them and send love into Earth. This is a process and I don’t have it all figured out. 

Like an overachiever, I want to get through it quickly but must allow myself to move through it at my own pace, despite what those around me suggest I do. Grief is unique to the individual grieving. 

I can’t expect others to do for me what I need to do for myself.

~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
Know Thyself

And allow yourself to feel and experience at your own pace.

With love,

The Magelion

Advertisements

Going Within

I have considered myself a strong person – a warrior of sorts – for the challenges I have faced head-on in this lifetime and conquered.

I preach love – for others, for creatures, for Her (Gaia, Sophia, Earth Mother), for plants, rocks and all sentient beings and for self. And yet I’m struggling with love of the self.

I am going to be brutally honest because right now this feels like a struggle. I don’t like to generally use such limiting words – but it is where I am at this time.

I know deep within me, my higher self/soul/spirit (that eternal part of me) is so filled with love, gratitude and appreciation for the being that I am. I often catch myself looking at me from a higher perspective, encouraging the Magelion in this human body along with nudges of empowering words – “You’ve got this, kid,” “You are beautiful,” “You’re exactly where you need to be right now” – and yet, there’s this part of me that fights that eternal love.

It doesn’t feel like me, that “resistor.”

I don’t quite know how to describe it since the feelings I have are so strong on both sides of the line.

The devil on one shoulder and angel on the other doesn’t seem like only an idea  when discussing self vs self. Are the angel and devil part of one’s innate self or are they outside forces? 

I remind myself I’m a spiritual being having a human experience.

Still, this human experience can feel so excruciating when one remembers the true freedom of being a spiritual being.

I remember a place full of real, unconditional love – not surface level love. The love I remember is beautiful, illuminating, compassionate and empathetic. There is no competition, no “I’m better than you,” no finger pointing, no lack or want.  All needs are met. There is support and deep appreciation. Wherever that place is, you just be.

I miss this love. I miss it so much it aches within my heart.

I miss feeling free and joy within every cell of my being. 

Sometimes I question why I signed up for this when the human experience is so intense and emotional.

How does one genuinely create, maintain and sustain this love from within, when the pressures of this experience become super-charged?

I want to generate and radiate this deep love from within me out – to everyone and everything I encounter. I was doing that up until the beginning of the year.

Then, like a candle extinguished, that light went out. I just can’t find the matches or a lighter to reignite it right now.

~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
Know Thyself

(Even when you aren’t liking what you’re seeing)

With love,

The Magelion  

Skydiving Through the Clouds of Belief

If there’s one thing North America is plentiful in, it’s beliefs. Western culture is right, Western religion is right and if you’re considered a superpower, you have not only the right, but the duty to save the world in the name of peace.

If you can’t sense the sarcasm in my words, let me tell you, it’s there.  

Those who follow mainstream news outlets are pumped full of disinformation but, if it comes from a “reputable” source, it has to be true. The same goes for other forms of reputable information: books, journals, magazines, research papers, etc.

I can say I’m a bird but that doesn’t make me one.

We are led to believe that other cultures are wrong – in fact, in extreme cases they are terrorists out to kill us all – and that we need to be VERY afraid. Oh, and in order to remove this fear, we must kill as many of these “different” people as possible to show the others we will not stand for their beliefs and that our way is right. Is there not something fundamentally wrong with this “my way or the highway” belief system? Perhaps we should examine why we are feeling fear and if, in fact, these fears are logical. These are human lives we are talking about.

The same goes for religion: I will come to your country and force my beliefs upon you because they are right. I’m just trying to save your soul because it’s what my god wants me to do. I am right and you are wrong. Let me blindly tell you why: it’s because I’m right and you are wrong.  Oh – oops – I didn’t consider that I don’t really know why I’m right and you’re wrong.  I think it’s because that’s what I was told.   

Are you seeing the ludicracy in these beliefs?

We’re loaded up with ideas, beliefs and thoughts about how we should be:

  • Women who don’t fit the runway model body type are fat (so be skinny – and to do that, eat low fat everything, depriving your body of nutrients it needs to perform and think properly);
  • Being a slave to the almighty dollar is normal. After all, we need it to survive;
  • Eat this delicious looking fake food to become miraculously healthy like the joyful person in the ad, even if it’s loaded with impossible-to-pronounce ingredients and chemicals;
  • Your vote makes a difference in the greatest puppet show on Earth;
  • If you have a dis-ease, mental illness or other symptoms, ignore what your body is telling you and take this lab created goody that might, by the way (said as fast as possible in a pleasant voice) CauseSevereAnalLeakage, VomitingOfTheNipples, or SproutingNewLimbs. But make sure you contact your doctor if this happens and it will all be okay;
  • If you feel your body has an imperfection, buy a new penis, face or suck the fat out of your ass and inject it into your cheeks;
  • Normal body odors must be masked by an excessive variety of products;
  • Women: having your period is a dirty & shameful thing, so make sure you buy the flower scented tampons and douches so you can still jump off the diving board with complete confidence;
  • We all must look the same and think the same, because being different is wrong. And bad. 
  • And the list goes on.

Are you seeing something wrong here? It seems all these ideas so conveniently provided to us are showing us how to think and what to believe.  Isn’t that called brainwashing, kids? 

Beliefs are just that: beliefs. Have you ever examined why you believe certain things? Are there certain ideas that are harder to let go of than others? Those are the ones that could really use your attention.  Why do they have such a stronghold?

Examining our beliefs about everything is important – and yes, that’s my belief.  But when you get to the root about why you believe something and what emotions that belief provides you with, does it help you or hold you back from realizing what you are truly capable of?

Beliefs have the ability to imprison us and impose limits upon what we can do as humans. So many of the beliefs we are given serve to separate rather than bring us together. This planet needs us to come together. We need to change things, wake up and take back the control of our minds and our thoughts. 

The only way to make a lasting change is by starting with yourself.  Fix you.  Stop trying to fix others.

At times, it may feel like a free fall, but people pay good money to skydive. Will you join me in skydiving with a purpose?  Let’s do this together.

~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
Know Thyself

With love,

The Magelion  

Magelion Says, “He Who Points At Others Also Points At Himself.”

When paying attention to triggers, it is helpful to remember the adage:

When you point a finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you.”

Image ©2016 The Magelion

On the simplest level, this adage illustrates the dynamics of finger pointing; in order to point a finger, most will extend one finger forward, while placing the remaining fingers against the palm of the hand.

When one shifts the focus, however, from the extended pointing finger to the three fingers near the palm of the hand, it is easy to see that these fingers point back towards the person doing the pointing.  

Extending this analogy further, this simple action indicates that what we see in others, we also have within ourselves.  I will touch back on this point in a moment.  

In the past, I used to get angry and defensive when this concept was pointed out to me.  Another phrase that conveys the same idea is if you spot it, you’ve got it.  I think the root of the defensiveness and anger was my inability to understand or perceive myself as the person I harshly judged/found undesirable/couldn’t stand/thought was dumb, etc.  

The truth of the matter is that recognizing how you are or how you may have been is like shining a flashlight on the monster under the bed. Once you acknowledge its existence and give it attention, you may find it’s not a monster at all, but a gem you misplaced or forgot about.  Recognizing bridges the gap that places you on a high horse and the perceived offender below you; it brings you to the same level so you can shift your perception of things. ‘Undesirable’ traits become more human, empathy grows and not only will you be able to understand others, but you will transmute and heal your shadow (triggers) by responding more often than reacting.

The opposite is also true for the fingers pointing back at you, when you notice something beautiful in another human being and you point that beauty out to them or show them appreciation. Notice also, those fingers pointing back at you again in that case. You too are beautiful and appreciated.  You too bring value and greatness to the world in your unique way.

Daily, take time to notice and reflect, if only briefly, on these things. How often are you pointing fingers? Have you looked in the mirror to see what this reflects about you?

~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
Know Thyself

With love, 

The Magelion     

Trust Yourself: Intuition & Neutrality

Like intuition, my blog posts will be more like puzzle pieces coming together than ideas laid out in chronological order.

Over time, I’ve become quite comfortable letting my higher self guide me along my journey. Instead of leading me down a completely straight and uneventful path, I have been urged here and there, sometimes going left, then right and other times completely circling and zigzagging off in another direction. Sometimes I’ve stepped up and other times I’ve slid down. I’ve come out in places I never expected and brought into fruition some of my greatest desires.  No matter the direction I take, I always learn more about my truth and am provided with exactly what I need to know at the time; no more, no less.

I’ve heard people say, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” and I’ve found the same to be true for intuition. In fact, I liken my higher self or the Soul Magelion as equal to “god” in my life.  My soul energy knows exactly what I need and how much I can handle at any given time, despite what my ego desires or my mind believes.  My soul remains true.

It is most important that you trust YOURSELF.  It would behoove everyone to learn this in childhood, but childhood seems to be a time when our current society strips individuals of their innate nature.  Because many of us are so impressionable and even trusting as children, we give credence to the ‘wiser’ and ‘more experienced’ sources outside of us (family, teachers, peers, society, religion, etc.), convincing us that we are being silly, imaginary friends are only imaginary, go hug the creepy person who makes you feel skeevy anyway, you’ll go to hell if you don’t believe without question, everybody’s afraid of fill-in-the-blank, and you have a vivid imagination.  It’s a shame our children are being taught to put their faith in others instead of themselves and I continue to remove remnants of this societal programming from me to this day.  If something doesn’t feel right or scares me, I pay attention, listen and investigate it further.

I should mention, however, that there is a great difference between intuition and paranoia.  Paranoia is absolutely, no way, undoubtedly NOT intuition.  Paranoia screams at you, feels anxious, is wordy and laced with fear and anger.  Intuition is neutral; a simply worded whisper or soft voice nudging you.  Do this.  Don’t do that.  Step back.  Run now.  Intuition is sometimes so soft, it might take you a while to actually hear it.

Intuition, like a computer, is only as good as the operator.  If you desperately desire a particular outcome, your intuition will be filtered through and clouded by your strong desire.  Getting neutral before going to your intuition will assist you in gaining the most accurate answer.

Neutrality takes practice and, because human beings are emotional creatures, being in a neutral state isn’t a place any human can expect to be in all the time.  Honor your humanness, but become the best human you can be by taking control of your emotions.

Like cleaning your glasses, as you remove layers of dirt and fingerprints, your perception will become more clear.  Dirt, in this case, includes things like beliefs, values, fears, shoulds, “I’ve always been this way,” “I can’ts” and societal influences. This list is by no means exclusive.  A better name for the dirt is triggers.  If something triggers a reaction in you that shifts you out of neutral, you’ve got some dirt to find and remove.

Learn to respect and appreciate the dirt that shows up.  In its own way, it is beautiful and carries remarkable potential to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.  Try to be patient as you go through the process and trust in the ebb and flow.  Once you signal to yourself that you’re ready, you will be given the lessons as necessary; again, no more, no less than you can handle.  Let your intuition guide you and trust yourself.

~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
Know Thyself

 

With love,

The Magelion

 

Becoming Magelion

For most of my life, I sensed that not all was as it seemed.  As a child, I quickly learned that to do as I was told made me “good” and to question or do things in a different way made me “not good.” So, I learned early on to be good and to silence the side of me that sensed anything different than the norm I was raised in.

I created a version of myself that believed what I was supposed to believe and that version of me was blind to the natural, intuitive part of me existing in the passenger seat.  Because of this blindness, the natural, intuitive me was, for many years, most often just a passenger and rarely drove my life.

For decades I didn’t embrace or honor those subtle nudges urging me in a different direction and I conformed to the labels stuck on me, wearing them proudly like badges of honor.  I was comfortable playing the roles I’d been assigned and desired so much to please everybody else and fit in that I completely lost myself in the process.  I became increasingly frustrated, attention-seeking, self-destructive, angry, and suicidal.

It became unbearable to exist and, due to the excruciating feelings I was experiencing, I was referred to a psychiatrist, who provided me with a variety of diagnoses: I was clinically depressed, suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, experienced panic attacks, and had obsessive compulsive tendencies.  Finally, I had names and pamphlets for the emotions and ‘limitations’ I was experiencing and, in being given these names and thanks to the vast information available on the Internet, I was able to become those labels to the extreme.  The disorders became excuses for me; crutches I relied heavily upon.

It would’ve been a lot easier had I listened to that passenger version of me.  The problem wasn’t outside of me; it was within.  I wasn’t allowing myself to be ME.

Consciously unaware of what the root of the problem was, I took my prescribed medications and when one failed to work, I took the newest lab creation and then the newest, enduring all sorts of insane, unpleasant and downright messed-up side effects. I should have known, based on the page of side effects I was given and the advertisements promoting overly happy people who were also supposedly taking these medications, that all that glitters is not gold.  At the time, I knew that using a particular deodorant wouldn’t magically attract people to me, so I should’ve applied the same knowledge to this situation, but I didn’t.

I was brainwashed by the idea that this Band Aid Solution would cure me and so I jumped in, head first and took the medicines. I saw lightening bolts, experienced vertigo and had what seemed like endless restless leg syndrome. I was sick to my stomach, hungry, had no appetite and gained weight.  I felt heart palpitations, was up all night and slept all day.  I was still suicidal.  I was, to quote Ron Burgandy from Anchorman, “in a glass case of emotion.”

The medications were so ineffective, I started to self-medicate in addition to them, using alcohol and recreational drugs.  I developed addictions and became numb.

One day, the ‘passenger Magelion’ suggested to me that I stop medicating altogether.  So did my partner, who was able to see me for who I really am.  I suggested to the psychiatrist, who I had put my trust in, that I would like to slowly wean off all the medications, as I felt like a zombie, didn’t enjoy the multitude of side effects and hated the process of finding the one miracle drug that was supposed to “normalize” me, through the trial and error method.  Instead of supporting my request and assisting me in working through my ‘issues,’ he placed me back in the box of psychiatric patient and told me I “was like a diabetic and would require medication forever.”

I resented hearing those words and didn’t realize at the time how critical they were in turning my life around.  Somewhere deep within me, I would not accept his ‘professional’ belief and although I didn’t turn the car around right there and then, it planted a seed within me that took root and flourished into me handing over the steering wheel and driver’s seat to the intuitive Magelion.

My success in freeing myself from anti-depressants and tranquilizers was not an overnight thing, but when I had the courage to separate myself from the beliefs imparted upon me, I stopped taking the medication.  Despite the worry of well-meaning family members, who had their own journeys and beliefs in the necessity of medication, as well as the fears of others that I would hit rock bottom, I gave little credence to these fears and continued to flourish.  I stepped forward through the vertigo and medication withdrawals and made myself a promise to exercise, even for just a small amount daily, to keep my endorphin levels up.  And, more importantly, I dedicated time to get to know and honor the real me.

For nearly half of my life at that time, I had put my absolute trust in what professionals and those in authority suggested that I do with my life.  In fact, for far too long, I had sacrificed my own needs in order to supposedly benefit others and completely ignored myself.  In doing this, I had been searching for a savior outside of me, when all along the answers had been within me.

~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
Know Thyself

 

With love,

The Magelion